Abdiel's Deal

Abdiel didn’t quite know how it happened. One moment he was soaring through the clouds of the seventh level of heaven, the next he was sitting in a ratty recliner in the middle of a basement in the middle of New Jersey. A bearded man in a stained sleeveless shirt sat opposite of him, with a bag of Cheetos on his lap. At first the man looked every bit as surprised as he did. Then his surprise turned into something else.

Pure joy.

“I have done it. My ritual has worked! I have summoned the Devil!” he cried with joy.

Abdiel looked confused. He wasn’t the most remarkable angel, he knew. He wasn’t a massive entanglement of burning eyes and wings like the seraphim, nor was he a cute flying baby like the cherubim. He certainly wasn’t an archangel of any notoriety, like Michael, Gabriel or even Ralphael. 

However, Abdiel was an angel, with a white hood adorning his armored head. His white cloak fell past his gray-white wings, which chafed against the musty fabric of the recliner. He recognized the man before him as Todd Browning. He knew every human in existence, and Todd was every as unremarkable as a human as he was an angel. 

Well, maybe a little less so given the odd mixture of arcane symbols, incense and pizza boxes which strewn about his basement.

“You are my prisoner, Lord Satan! Now, bargain with me!” Todd said excitedly. 

Abdiel sighed and shook his head. “There’s been…a bit of a mix-up.”

“Your sweet words will hold no purchase, deceiver!” Todd bellowed.

“Do I look like Satan?” Abdiel shot back.

“Nay, Satan was not only a liar, he was also once an angel,” Todd said, pointing as spit trailed from his mouth. “Therefore, you are Satan!”

“Though I did expect you to be somewhat taller,” Todd said. 

Abdiel was done with this. With some frustration, he stood up. Todd appeared surprised when he did so.

“You…cannot break my circle. You are bound here, Lucifer!” Todd said.

Abdiel walked around the room, stepping over what appeared to be a circle of salt in the middle of the room. Then again, as dirty and musty as Todd’s basement was, it was tough to tell the salt from the dust.

He was thankful he didn’t have allergies as an angel or this excursion would have been particularly painful.

“Again, you didn’t bind me because I’m not Satan,” Abdiel replied.

“Lies! More lies!” Todd shot up from his seat and began brandishing a crucifix at him like a vampire.

“I’m not a vampire either,” Abdiel rolled his eyes. Todd seemed a bit surprised by this revelation, looking at his cross suddenly as if it were defective.

“Really, because in certain sources you are…” Todd started, only to recover his fanaticism mid-sentence. “More lies and deceptions!”

“Well, this has been very . . . illuminating,” Abdiel said. “But I really have to be going.”

“You can’t leave,” Todd made every effort to block his exit. Abdiel really wanted to tell Todd that neither locked doors, nor even physical walls, could prevent his leaving. 

“I have bound thee!” Todd said. “Only I can release you!” 

“Is that how it works?” Abdiel almost wanted to fly away just to spite him.

“It is! Now give me what I want and I’ll free you!” Todd said.

Abdiel began to scan the room. He noticed the incense, the arcane symbols, the burning candles. One thing was missing - a grimoire. Todd must have had one somewhere to affect such a summoning.

“Where’s your spell book?” Abdiel asked at once.

“You’ll never make me talk, serpent,” Todd said. “After all, it is the only thing I have to bind you here!” 

The truth of the matter was, Todd did have him over a barrel here. If Abdiel didn’t get that spellbook, Todd could simply re-summon him whenever and wherever he wanted. It would be very inconvenient and a pain in the wings, even if Todd’s ability to keep him in this place were nonexistent beyond that.

He tried once more to reason with Todd, even though it had not gone well so far.

“Trust me, Todd Browning,” Abdiel said. “If you have summoned Lucifer, this conversation would be a lot shorter…and a lot bloodier.” 

“Trust you! I know your lies, Morningstar!” Todd laughed. “I am wise to your tricks.”

Abdiel didn’t say anything. He decided the silent treatment might work better, so he simply crossed his hands and brought his wings over his armor as he regarded Todd for a moment. Todd began fidgeting almost immediately.

“Fine…if you aren’t Lucifer, then who are you?” Todd demanded.

“I’m…” Abdiel started, but then realized the flaw in his logic. “Curses, that’s going to work either, is it?”

If he gave Todd Browning his name, Todd would have true power over him. Not only would he be able to summon Abdiel, but he would actually be able to bind him to this place and prevent him from leaving. And given how dirty this place was, that might be as close to hell on earth as things went. He wanted to trust Todd Browning, but then again, the guy was trying to summon the Devil and leverage him. 

“Fine, you got me,” Abdiel relented. “I propose a trade. You give me your grimoire and I’ll give you whatever you want.”

Todd narrowed his eyes towards Abdiel. “How do I know you will honor your word? You are, after all, the Father of Lies.”

Abdiel thought about this. “Well, how did you see this going? You wanted something from me, and now I’m offering to give it to you.”

Todd shuffled his feet a bit. “Well, if all else fails, I was thinking about charging admission.”

Abdiel drew his sword at the mention of that option. His blade bellowed fire.

“I knew you were Satan!” Todd cried as he saw the sword. Abdiel rolled his eyes. Every angel in the company of heaven had a flaming sword - even the cherubim. This made for an awkward sight, admittedly, seeing scores of flying babies holding giant blades of fire in their tiny, plump hands. 

“Give me the book, Todd Browning,” Abdiel said as he pointed his sword at him and smiled. “And I’ll give you…what?”

“P-p-power!” Todd stammered. 

Abdiel lowered his blade. “Could you be a bit more specific?”

“More power than any person in the world!” Todd said.

“Fine,” Abdiel said. It was a vague demand, but he could work with it. “Done.”

Todd ran his hands over his admittedly unimpressive body. “I don’t feel different.”

Abdiel raised his hands. The one lightbulb in the dingy apartment shone brighter than before.

“Did I do that?” Todd asked.

“In a manner of speaking,” Abdiel said. “Now hand over the book.”

Todd ran to the corner and pulled out a dusty book with leather bindings. He handed Abdiel the book. The angel immediately opened it, his eyes wide.

This whole misunderstanding had stemmed from the heavenly equivalent of a wrong number. Todd had summoned Abdiel using Lucifer’s old address in heaven. He gazed at Todd.

“Is this your only copy?” he asked.

Todd nodded.

“Excellent,” Abdiel said as he brought his flaming sword to the grimoire, transforming it into a pile of ash in seconds. “Our business is concluded.”

He disappeared then, but not before he heard Todd cry “I’m the most powerful man in the world!”

Which was technically true, Abdiel smirked, as he returned to the skies to soar above the Earth. Todd’s household was now taking on more power than any person on earth. He would soon have the heftiest energy bill in the Tristate area. But then again, Todd didn’t really specify what kind of power he was after.

Maybe dealing with angels wasn’t too much better than dealing with devils.