Probing For Answers
Steven awoke to the same ringing in his ear that he heard before blacking out. His lower jaw ached and a disorienting sense of dizziness ran throughout his entire body. His eyes were still blinded by the brightness of the room he found himself in – a minimalist space with large ivory objects throughout. A dangling white light extended from the ceiling with a thick, rubbery cord that moved like a snake. Its bulb pulsated and blinked like an eye. It startled him at first and he retreated into the large, marshmallow-like cushion upon which he laid.
“Apologies, Mr. Kirzner,” a loud voice entered the room from all sides. Steven spun his head around unable to find the source. “You have nothing to fear, we mean you no harm.”
“Who are you? Where am I?”
“These are wonderful questions and I promise we will answer them. However, our research indicates that your species is prone to bouts of mental and emotional exhaustion which can cause lethal spikes in cortisol levels so for your safety we’ve opted for an easing in approach to your information exposure. Does that make sense?”
Steven looked around and assessed his surroundings. No doors. No windows. Just a creepy light fixture that seemed to be talking to him.
“Not really, no.”
“We apologize for the confusion. Throughout our data collection, we’ve found that subjects provide the most accurate information when placed in environments conducive to their comfort. You’re currently in what we call the Data Processing Center - it’s an adjustable room custom-fit for your comfort and relaxation.”
Steven took another look around. He had to admit, the marshmallow cushion was sublime – perfectly contorting to every curve of his spine to dissipate tension. The soft white light emitted from the hanging fixture promoted a sense of calmness and the large ivory objects displayed calming scenes from Earth’s most scenic destinations. He was as calm as one could be in a windowless room with a talking light bulb.
“Ok. Cool fancy lights. Where the hell is this Data Processing Center?”
“Well, we find it best to ease subjects–”
“No–No more bullshit. You brought me here against my will. Where the fuck am I?”
“As you wish.”
The hanging light sighed for a moment and recoiled into the ceiling. Suddenly, the sleek white walls fluttered away like flickering television screens, leaving a cold, gray room with a large window across the entirety of the wall. Steven rose and approached the window – it revealed a massive black expanse, dotted with the stars of the cosmos and swirls of distant galaxies.
“Oh, I get it– it’s some kind of interactive, trippy LED screen thingy. Immersive marketing and whatnot. But I’ve tripped balls before so you’re gonna have to try harder to make me believe. So where am I really?
“I do not know this ‘tripping balls’ you speak of - but I assure you that you are currently 502,635 miles away from your planet and in what I believe you call, ‘outer space’? Am I saying that correctly?”
Steven scoffed.
“Yeah right. If I’m in outer space then why am I not floating around?”
“We generate artificial gravity throughout the Data Processing Center to mimic the gravitational force of our subject's home planet.”
Steven laughed. “Artificial gravity? That’s only in the movies.”
“Ah yes! The pictures in motion by which doctrine and social norms are disseminated. I’ve read a great deal about these and would very much like to discuss them more.”
The light extended towards the ground, its rubbery neck stiffening into a straight pole.
“However, I assure you that it is not only in your moo-vees. What a testament to the imaginative spirit of your species to accurately foresee a technological advancement - a true sign of health! Now, if you would, please hold on to something.”
“Why? What-”
Suddenly, Steven found himself floating on a marshmallow. His weightless body tumbled through the room as he flailed his arms to steady his motion.
“WHAT THE FUCK-WHAT THE FUCK-HOW IS THIS REAL?!”
With that, the stiff light slackened and the Data Processing Center re-gravitated assuming its calm, white, original form.
Steven fell to the floor with a thud. He sat up and tried to catch his breath.
“I-I can’t breathe!”
“Mr. Kirzner, your hyperventilation suggests that you are having what humans refer to as a panic attack. We shall increase relaxation and grounding by 25% to accommodate. Please breathe with the sound of my voice. In and out.”
It was no use. On hands and knees, Steven vomited onto a nearby ivory obelisk.
“Real internal fluid! Thank you for sharing.”
“Holy shit-are you like…aliens?”
“If by ‘aliens’ you mean ‘intergalactic travelers not of your terrestrial quadrant’ then yes. However, in a brief review of human culture, I can assure you that this definition is limiting.”
“Oh my god… you’re gonna shove a probe up my ass!”
The hanging light bulb blinked several times.
“I am unfamiliar with this practice. Would shoving a ‘probe up your ass’ as you say, make you more comfortable?”
“NO!”
“Understood. Perhaps I could offer you some water?”
One of the ivory obelisks extended a vase of water. Steven reached out to hold it in his hands. He inspected the water precariously.
“Isn’t this alien water? Won’t it like-kill me?”
“Interesting. Is it a common human trait to distrust foreign objects even if scientific reasoning exists to dispel notions of danger?”
“I suppose so.”
The light spooled into a tall coil onto the floor and projected a beam of light through the vase of water and onto the wall. Two small circles danced around a larger one.
“What you refer to as water, consists of two of what you call atoms of what you call hydrogen and one atom of what you call oxygen. We have very different names for these things where I come from but the result remains the same. Water is but one of many foundational elements of life. I assure you, it is perfectly safe.”
Parched and trembling, Steven reached out to bring the glass to his lips.
“What do you want from me? Why are you here?”
The projection on the wall soon encompassed the entire room, a map of the cosmos, its galaxies so detailed that Steven could reach out and touch it.
“Across this galaxy exist various lifeforms of varying degrees of advancement and intelligence. Whether it is the Gromps of Plaxos 9 or the humans of Earth, all are governed by a system of universal laws. We all exist as variations on a collection of recycled stardust that has existed for eons. To put it in human terms, we are all made of the same ingredients, even if we bake them differently.”
The dangling light emitted a shimmering green dot at a random star.
“Our star system was one of the earliest. The planet we come from is oxygen-rich and gravitationally beneficial, making our lifespan significantly longer than that of other species. While your planet was still dominated by giant reptiles, our civilization was discovering intergalactic travel. Through the millennia we have visited thousands of planets to learn about the cultures, norms, and practices of intelligent life and the universal laws that bind us. We are explorers and researchers with millions of years of collective knowledge. We wish to learn about human behavior and culture to continue filling in the rich tapestry of the laws and mechanisms that comprise our vast universe.”
Steven sat slack-jawed and silent. The light stopped the projection and brought itself close to his face.
“Based on an analysis of your face, I am detecting the potential for further fluid expulsion. Does this information trouble you?”
“Why me?”
“Excellent question.”
The light once again stiffened, projecting several images, videos, and statistics of Steven onto the walls of the Data Processing Center.
“What the fuck…how did you get these?”
“Steven Kirzner. Aged 34. Residing in a metropolis known as ‘Chi-ca-Geo’ –– apologies for the pronunciation –– 40% of the sentient lifespan is spent ‘working’ as a ‘mer-cat-ing coordinator’ where he receives modest wages. 35% spent consuming content including videos of human mating rituals meant to induce arousal as well as the aforementioned moo-vees. 25% spent in regenerative stasis known as sleep. No spawn or procreation to date. Average physical condition. Average intelligence relative to the species. No partner, spouse or life companion…”
The projections stop as the light slithers back to the ceiling.
“When conducting thorough research, one must establish a statistical baseline to measure against. Simply put Mr. Kirzner - you are the most average human on the planet.”
Steven sighed.
“I’ll take that probe now.”