The Last Will & Testament Of Sadie F. Hochwarter
From the offices of Simon, Howell, Liebowitz, & Klein:
I (state your name) ESQ. serving as the legal representative and executor for the estate, have summoned you here today to bear witness to the Last Will & Testament of Sadie Francine Hochwarter.
This document is binding and its content is constructed in accordance with and governed by the state of Illinois and its laws. Any disputes regarding this document, the vast estate or its disbursement shall be settled under the jurisdiction of the state via the associates at Simon, Howell, Liebowitz, & Klein.
In compliance with federal and state laws and as representatives of the estate, we hereby disclose any past amendments to the following Will and testament –– of which there have been 73 notarized amendments between the years of 1962 - 2023.
Furthermore, per request of the deceased, named persons or parties gathered shall be compelled to hear this document in its entirety or face forfeiture of disbursement of assets whatever they shall be.
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT
I, Sadie Francine Hochwarter, residing at 236 Sheridan Road, Kenilworth, being of sound mind and judgment, do hereby through this document make disposition of my various assets, properties and estate…
If you’re hearing this I’ve finally done some of you the favor of kicking the bucket. Many of you have waited quiet a while for this day, feigning interest and foaming at the mouth for a piece of the pie.
Gathered are friends, family, children, grandchildren, even great-grandchildren ––whom I’m sure I love but admittedly cannot recall at the present. However, amongst this wretched lot are also enemies, strangers, and all those in between whose true nature took decades to reveal themselves. Rest assured that even in death, I will have the final word.
But let's not delay any further. No one has less time than the dead.
To my baby sister Judith: per the wishes of our mother, I leave to you her cherished emerald necklace, a priceless heirloom of our family that has existed for generations. However, before I leave this world just know that the only reason mother ever wanted you to have this was because she truly believed you couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time. I guess she figured that whatever low life you were shacked up with at the moment would eventually bleed you dry and this precious heirloom that has survived generations, crossed continents, and traversed the globe would be unceremoniously discarded in a pawn shop on Wabash Avenue. So Moody Judy, I want you to wear this precious gem around your neck and every day remember the reason why.
To my dear friend Arlene: I leave to you this framed photograph from our trip to Hawaii. After 40 years of friendship, it was a memory that always stuck with me. The beautiful beaches, the lovely dinners with our spouses, the sleeping with my husband behind my back, etc. Oh, did you think I didn’t know? The two of you were as subtle as a volcano erupting. I confided in you about our issues and quicker than you could say “Aloha” you had given him a lay. Meanwhile your impotent putz of a husband was too busy making eyes at busboys to even care. You might be asking, “Well geez Sadie, if you knew for so long, why didn’t you say something?” Because I don’t believe that revenge is a dish best served cold –– it’s a 12-course tasting menu prepared by the finest chefs in the world and that my “friend” takes time. Which is why upon execution of this will, I have instructed my legal team to purchase a majority stake in your family’s steel manufacturing company. I’ve already lined up buyers who will — what’s the phrase? “Strip it for parts”? So I want you to have this photo which I’ve had framed in 24 karat gold to remind you that your family’s legacy, your grandchildren’s inheritance, and your name have been wiped from existence because of a mediocre fuck after one too many mai tais.
To Ex-Husband #1: After all these years, my biggest regret is that I possess even a shred of love for you. Call it sentimentality for our children, but despite the affairs, the drinking, the years wasted on a terrible person, I can’t deny that we shared a fiery passion that is hard to find in this life. I leave to you this check for $20 in hopes that you use it to buy a meal that you choke on. I will see you in hell.
To my first born, Jonathan: You were always a sweet boy. Quiet, respectful, joyous, etc. You did well in school, excelled athletically, and had a knack for leadership. I knew from an early age that you were the one who would one day run the family business and carry on the legacy of your grandfather and go on to great things. So imagine my disappointment when one day you bring home the piece of redneck Florida trash known as “Darlene” who sunk her teeth into you and never let go. I stand by what I say on your wedding day – that woman will be the end of you. While I love you dearly, I cannot entrust the future of our family to someone infected by such a parasite. Your children will be taken care of. However, if $0.01 of their money should fall into Darlene’s hands, I will dissolve their trusts, college funds, etc. and donate the balance to whatever cause my lawyers choose.
To my daughter, Christine: Chrissy, the problem with one fiery spirit creating another is that they tend to butt heads. I know you felt that I was hard on you and I was. It’s because I saw myself in you–– the good, the bad, the really bad, and I knew what you were capable of. It terrified me. Everything from the boarding schools to the troubled youth groups was done out of what I believed to be for your own good. But It took me a lifetime to understand the truth –– you can’t put a wild tiger in a cage and hope that it learns to call it home. We are tigers you and I. This is why I hereby name you the CEO and controller of H&W Enterprises and it’s holdings. You will guide this family into the future and I know you’ll make me proud.
Jasmin Howard, CNP: I bet you were a little surprised when my lawyer showed up to deliver you notice of this will. I’d pay anything just to see your face even now as this schmuck reads this aloud. Why in the world would “mean old Sadie” name me in her will? Well, it's because of my father. He was a stockbroker who lost everything in the 29’ crash. He stood on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge and hoisted his legs over the rails. He was prepared to jump when a stranger pushing a stroller came over and sat beside him. She didn’t panic or beg him not to do it, she simply sat and began telling stories of her youth, of her day, her week, her year, etc. After 2 hours, my father stepped down after learning two things: 1. In this country, your luck can change on a dime. 2. The simplest acts of kindness are often the most impactful. Despite evidence to the contrary, I can acknowledge that in my later years I have perhaps taken “ornery” to new heights. I’ve broken my fair share of nurses, social workers, medical professionals, etc. Yet you’ve managed to outlast them all. Do you know why? Because you never saw an old, cranky woman from a forgotten era. You saw the scared human being beneath who needed a diaper changed. I threw it to you, and you threw it right back. I must have fired you up to 25 times and yet you’d come back for more. I know you’re not the kind of person who takes a handout. So what I offer is this–– I am naming you as the newest member of the board of directors at H&W Enterprises which comes with significant stock options and an annual salary of $1.5M annually plus bonuses. I am also leaving you my home in Kenilworth, IL as my children never appreciated it. This isn’t charity dear so stop your complaining and just say yes so I can die peacefully.
For those gathered and not named: You are hereby instructed to return to this place annually where another asset of the Hochwarter estate will be released. If for whatever reason you’re unable to attend, you will forfeit any and all claims. As you’ve gathered from this fun little game of mine, some will leave happy and some will leave sad. You’ll just have to wait a bit longer to know what fate has in store for you.