The Art Of The Date

His phone screen was filled with white Helvetica text that popped against a dreamy, stylized night sky. "Please turn on your device's microphone. Then, answer the following prompts as extensively as possible. There is no time limit."

Immediately, Josh panicked and thought, "Maybe that means there's a time limit?"

The screen text shifted. "The following questions concern confrontation and your ability to communicate needs and wants."

Meghan sat across the room. She wore headphones and sat in a comfy chair watching TV. His panic was palpable, so she pulled up her left earpiece.

"Are you already freaking?" said Meghan from across the room. She was there for moral support as much as anything. "I can smell you sweating."

"I'm fine," he mumbled.

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Meghan had convinced Josh to download the LuvQuest app almost a week prior. She'd gotten the exclusive (and much desired) beta invite from her bosses, who were app investors. She didn't want to use it herself. Yet, she did get a bonus for referring prime candidates: young professionals who weren't particularly adept at dating.

Meghan had often described her friend Josh as a "trainwreck."

She explained to him this way, "It's OKCupid meets Google with an AI brain. You feed it pictures. You connect a bunch of apps. You answer questions designed to help you define your ideal relationship. It then combines all your public and private data with your answers. It generates a list of people who you'd be compatible with. You swipe through the list. Then the app taps into your phone -"

"It taps into my phone?" He was incredulous, "This sounds f'ing creepy."

"I mean, maybe, but it's data already being tracked. LQ uses all that info to help you instead of making money off you." Even if this was somewhat true, Meghan was sure LuvQuest was still making money off its users. They'd already paid her two grand to headhunt her friends.

"Anyway," Meghan continued," It influences your phone in a thousand ways and then nudges you towards real-world interactions with the people you match with."

"Nudges?" he asked.

"Yeah, the app puts you in the path of the people you want to meet. For example, it knows what grocery store you frequent. It knows when you shop there and what you buy. It also has the same info for the people you want to meet. If you match, it 'conspires' to get you both there at the same time."

"You just said the app 'conspires.’" he looked at her with a furrowed brow.

She laughed dismissively. "The app doesn't work in a vacuum! They make money by working with businesses. For example, if two people regularly buy green peas at Market Basket, it'll send you both coupons for peas. Then it'll put you both in the pea aisle between two and three on a Sunday afternoon."

"Sounds like that creepy Shia Lebouf movie." he hemmed, "Doesn't it strike you as invasive?"

"I wouldn't do it." She said with certainty. "But you... you're always on the cutting edge. It's a hot app. Invitation only. You'll get access to the most desirable crop of singles. The thought leaders."

"Wait," he paused, "doesn't this create awkward situations where you keep running into people you swiped right on? This city is small. Even with Tinder, I've matched with people, ran into them on the street, and then had to avoid them at all costs."

"That's the genius part! You never see pictures of the people you connect with. It's all text. The AI erases all your uniquely identifiable data for the other app users."

"Oh?"

She summed it up like sweeping the floor. "You pour your data in. It absorbs the info and turns you into a series of objective paragraphs. Each user is an anonymous dossier."

"Objective paragraphs? How's that? Haven't we already proven AI is racist and, therefore, not objective? I'm fucking quirky. Will AI be able to capture my fucking quirkiness?"

Meghan rolled her eyes, "They test profiles at random. Constantly. You may not be checked immediately, but you'll see your dossier and can appeal anything. Besides, that's the beauty of the way LuvQuest connects you. You make your dating decision based on the person who's in front of you at that moment. Nothing else. The dossier is a rough guide that pilots you into their path."

"Do I want to be piloted…or read all those 'dossiers?'"

"Don't read then. Swipe right and find out. Test the AI's ability to know what you want."

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It took Josh the length of two Hallmark movies and an episode of SVU to get through the questionnaire.

He never liked having to think up, write, and rewrite clever dating profile quips, so in that regard, LuvQuest was a win.

He could feel it as he walked out his front door the following day. His mind raced with all the different possibilities and events that might unfold. Was he ready for this?

He turned around and walked back into his apartment.

Josh threw extra breath mints, a lint roller, deodorant, an extra shirt, and (ever anxious, yet still ever confident) some condoms into his bag.

On his second attempt at leaving, he scanned the street. It felt like a video game. Suddenly, all the NPCs were no longer NPCs.

He could feel every eye on his back while walking through the city. It was like being on stage. Were the people at the convenience store there for a pack of Takis? Or was this an AI imp putting them in Josh's way?

That night, he met up with Meghan at the bar. He shook his head, "It was weird; I kept thinking about it. I became super self-conscious."

"In a good or bad way?" she drank her beer.

He squinted, "What do you mean 'good way?'"

"Sometimes, when you think you're being watched, you behave better. You think about your actions. You become a better person. Look how online anonymity has turned people into trash."

"Ah, I dunno. It was too distracting. Like having a backseat driver in my head or leaving the door to the bathroom open."

Meghan stood up, "Speaking of which, brb." Once inside the sanctity of the lady's room, she surveyed the small crowd inside. She'd known Josh for years. She knew his type. She also knew the kind of woman he should date and always seemed to miss. She also knew she needed to give this whole thing a little juice to start. She’s put her faith in the app later.

If one of her referrals resulted in a successful match, a match that could be used in testimonials, she'd make an additional 5K.

She found a target and approached her. Meghan made her move and returned to Josh at the bar. It was as if nothing had happened.

She picked the conversation back up.

"Think about it this way," she paused, "you're not actually on display. People on the app have no way of knowing that you're on it. It's more like you've been given a stack of scratchers with better-than-average odds."

"That's another problem! I still have to make the first move! I was never great at that, to begin with!" Josh shook his head.

"What's your line? Your into?"

"Don't have one," said Josh.

"Well, let's get you some ammo." Meghan straightened herself out. "Try me."

"Um, okay, ah… okay, uh," he looked her up and down, "I like how your shirt fits."

"Dude!" she verbally spanked him. "You just complimented my boobs!" Meghan shook her head, 

"Look around. There's a decent chance that any match you have on the app is here. Right now. Approach the people you're interested in! Here's the deal, as long as you keep at it, I'll pay your bar tab!"

Josh craned his head around the bar.

"Liquid courage, huh?" said Josh, "At that point, is it the app or the alcohol?"

"Does it matter?" She replied.