Animal Control
The doorbell rang at 3pm on the dot. Albert had been tossing and turning to no avail, attempting to take one of those coveted afternoon naps, the kind that left you more tired than before but in a good, replenishing sort of way. The rain was almost a cruel cliche. The ambient sound of water hitting leaves and pavement only deepened his desire for sleep and yet none came. For three straight nights, the rain taunted him. Any hope of catching up on sleep was gone by the second ring of the doorbell.
“Just a minute,” Albert hollered from across the living room. He rose from the couch, grabbed his glasses, and headed towards the door, catching unflattering glances of a disheveled reflection in the foyer mirror along the way. He hastily ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to look presentable. Please don’t be her… he pleaded, reaching the front door.
As Albert glanced through the peephole, his relief quickly turned to curiosity. A set of broad shoulders hidden under a tan trench coat stood covering 90% of the lens. A white leather glove held up an umbrella in one hand while the other held what looked like one of those old timey leather medical bags.
“Who is it?” Albert called out, still glancing through the peephole. At that, a large round face with rosy cheeks and a perfectly groomed mustache knelt into view along with the black bowler hat that sat atop the stranger’s head.
“Animal Control sir,” the man said with wide eyes and a 100-watt smile. Albert opened the door to an outstretched hand. “You must be Mr. Albert. Pleasure to meet you sir.”
“Uh, thanks.” He shook his hand and welcomed him in from the rain. The man’s massive frame barely made it through the door. He must have been well over 6’6” and north of 300 lbs. The man neatly collapsed his umbrella and delicately began removing his gloves finger by finger, neatly folding them into his coat pocket. “I tried calling the service but hadn’t heard back,” Albert explained. “They already sent a couple of guys earlier this week. They laid some traps, sprayed the floorboards, but they couldn’t find the problem-”
“Pests!” the stranger blurted out.
“Sorry?”
“Pests! I presume the problem is pests. An unwanted visitor in one’s domain can be an unsettling thing to say the least.”
He had a sort of fantastical way of speaking, an almost flamboyant improvised performance that made every word border on profound and unsettling. His accent didn’t help. It was frustratingly indiscernible. Albert couldn’t quite place it. Not British, Russian, or Portugese but some sort of unfamiliar combination of the three.
“I’m sorry –– and what was your name?”
“Jeff,” He said with a slight bow. “At your service.” Even the plainness of his name struck Albert as odd. Jeff bent down and placed his massive mitt on Albert’s shoulder. “Do not fret Mr. Albert. Rest assured, if these pests exist we will flush them out root and stem.” He knelt down to his leather bag and began rifling through it.
“Oh. Great. Thank you.”
“Well don’t thank me quite yet. We still know not what sort of pest we’re dealing with.”
“Whatever it is, it’s been scurrying around, making all sorts of noise the past few nights. I haven’t been able to get a lick of sleep with all the ruckus.” Jeff looked up suddenly from his bag with a face of concern as if he was doing a math problem in his head.
“No sleep you say? Fascinating.”
Albert couldn’t help but chuckle. “Fascinating? My insomnia is fascinating?”
“Indeed. The mind is like a plant and a good night’s sleep its water. Too little and it withers, never again to bloom.”
“Yeah totally.” What a weirdo, Albert thought.
Jeff rose and again placed his massive hands on Albert’s shoulders, his steely blue eyes locked in with all the seriousness in the world. “I swear to you Mr. Albert, I will bring you rest. I shall not let you wither.”
“Thanks Jeff, I appreciate that.”
“But I must say– and I do not wish to disparage the credibility of colleagues– however, traps and sprays won’t do any good. You see the trick isn’t in trapping pests…” Jeff spun around to reveal what looked like a long, skinny light-bulb twisted into a coil. He held it in his hand like a wand and with the flip of a switch, the strange device whirred to life, a dim light flickering within.
“...it’s in drawing them out.”
Who in the hell is this guy? Albert had just about seen enough and eyed the massive man known as ‘Jeff’ suspiciously.
“I’m sorry, but would you happen to have some credentials I could see?”
Jeff’s smile never faded. “Why of course. Never can be too careful these days.” He reached into his pocket and quickly withdrew a card as if anticipating Albert’s inquiry. Albert held the plain white card in his hand. It was a photo of Jeff, wearing the exact same outfit and the words “CERTIFIED ANIMAL CONTROL SPECIALIST” underneath it in bold black lettering.
“Ah, what a lovely home you have Mr. Albert.”
Jeff moseyed into the living room, holding out the wand device at the vaulted ceiling, the table adorned with family photos, and the indented couch where Albert’s pillow and blanket still sat. The flickering wand whirred loudly as it passed over the couch, the light growing within. Jeff reached out and picked up a photo of a much younger Albert at the beach with his wife and two small children.
“And a beautiful family to boot. All grown now I take it?”
Albert eyed the wand warily but sighed. “Yes. Our oldest is an engineer in Seattle and the youngest is studying Biology downstate.” Jeff nodded, continuing to explore the space with the wand.
“Tis the irony of chaos,” Jeff consoled. “At first it’s all you can see, wishing for peace and quiet. Then the chaos departs and it’s all you crave.” Jeff crawled on his hands and knees, slowly approaching the couch. As the wand passed over the seat cushions, the light within grew in intensity.
“Uh maybe you want to check out the attic?” Albert suggested. “I think that might be where the noise is coming from.”
Jeff rose from his knees with a smile. “No. I don’t believe so.” He lowered the wand and sat on the couch, his enormity testing the strength of the springs within. Jeff patted the cushion next to him, motioning for Albert to join.
Albert sat hesitantly, watching the hulking figure at the other end of the couch think with folded hands.
“So…” Jeff began with a hushed voice. “How long ago did your wife leave?”
Albert was taken aback.
“Sorry?”
“Was this a sudden decision or something that felt inevitable over time?”
“What? Who in the hell do you think you are asking me that!”
Jeff scooted closer to Albert, sinking into the cushion.
“My apologies Mr. Albert, I mean you no disrespect. Perhaps, that was a brash line of questioning but it is essential for my work to succeed.”
“How is knowing about my personal life essential for your work??”
Suddenly, a massive THUD from above the living room. Albert and Jeff’s eyes shoot upward towards a low gurgling noise that drowned out the sound of rain from outside. Creaks in the floorboard ring out like the beat of a drum as something takes steps. The light within the wand flickers feverishly, a blinding yellow light escaping with each pulse. The gurgling subsides and the light returns to a dim glow. Albert scrambles to his feet, panting with fear.
“What-what the hell is that? What is going on here?”
Jeff stood slowly, holding a finger to his lips until he was certain the sounds had gone. He leaned down to whisper.
“You see Mr. Albert, the others came here looking for clues of pests – droppings, worn wood in the floorboards and such – but they do not know the truth.”
“What truth?”
Jeff smiled and motioned to the living room. “We are the pests.” Jeff stared unnervingly at Albert, letting his words fill the air. He then clapped his hands together and returned to the wide-eyed smile he had entered with.
“So I guess we should go check out the upstairs - what do you say Mr. Albert?”
Albert just stared at the giant in disbelief.
“Who the hell are you?”
“Jeff.” He said plainly before climbing the staircase.