Reindeer Games

Have you ever woken up in the morning with a sore back? How about sore antlers? Yeah? Well try living like that every single day.

This gig, way of life, really, isn't all it's cracked up to be. Kids look up to you, so that's nice. But the fat man... He gets way more credit than he deserves. That dude is a bonafied omega jerk face. I know, I know... you're thinking "Blitzen. Get real. Santa Claus is a loving and caring man that spreads joy and gifts to the world!"

Ok, sure. Keep thinking that if it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But have you ever wondered why poor families don't get anything? Or if they do it's usually small stuff that no one really wants? Doesn't add up, right? That's because Santa says, and I quote, "Screw those poor lazy bums! They can fend for themselves. If they want presents then they've got to earn it!" End quote.

I understand that this may be shocking, confusing even, so let me spell it out for ya. Santa Claus and the missus own everything. I mean everything. They own all of the toy companies, food companies, manufacturing, you name it. This is why toys made by elves come in corporate approved fancy schmancy mass-produced packaging and not wrapped in some one-of-a-kind box.

Oh, and about the elves. You might want to sit down for this. There aren't many elves left and the remaining ones don't make your Christmas gifts. Mostly, they go to malls and stand next to the fake Santa. Sometimes they do movies or TV shows, but a lot of their time is spent ordering products made by you humans from Amazon for Christmas distribution.

You all are the real elves nowadays. This is why their numbers are dwindling. Most died off from lack of employment. Couldn't find any other work to sustain themselves. Sad stuff, really.

Anyway, why am I saying all of this? Because tonight is Christmas Eve-Eve (Side note: Christmas Eve-Eve is the night before Christmas Eve) and we are done. We've had it! Us and the other reindeer are tired of Santa being so loved and admired. We know who he really is, very few of you know it (you know who you are), and it's high time the world knows it.

Later That Night on Christmas Eve-Eve

"Hey Blitzen, you've got the cookies ready?", asks Comet. "I do. Try to not act so weird about it. The boss will get suspicious." "Cool, cool, alright. Let's go over to the stable and review the plan once more with everyone else.", Comet replied.

Me and Comet head over to the stable. All the other reindeer are there waiting, even... golden boy Rudolph.

"Alright listen up!", I exclaim. "Tonight is the night! We get one shot, got it?! Here's the plan for the final time. Learn it well. Vixen! Your spot is near the head of the table by Santa. Talk to him, keep him distracted and carefree with your corny jokes. Prancer! your job is to bring the cookies and milk to Santa at the end of the meal. Make sure to bring the right cookies or the whole plan will fail. Understood?" "Yep, got it!", Prancer replies confidently.

"Donner, you and your son Rudolph will stay back until the cookies' special ingredient kicks in. We want Santa to be drugged up and really angry that you both are absent. That'll show the world who he really is right quick. And now for the secret weapon: Wang Zen, the teenage boy from China who slaves away in one of Santas sweat shops. Wang Zen, your job is simple. When the cameras start rolling tell the world about Mr. Claus. Tell them how he beat you and your sister for falling asleep during a 17-hour shift. And how your sister's only escape was to leap to her death." "Yes Mr. Blitzen. Absolutely." Wang Zen is ready.

"Alright! That is all. How many shots do we get?!" "One shot!", All the reindeer and Wang Zen shout.

"Excellent. Let's make it happen."

The Christmas Eve-Eve Dinner Party

"Ho, ho, ho! Welcome everyone!", exclaims Santa. "Glad you all could make it, after all you'd be fired if you didn't! ...Kidding, kidding."

Except Santa is not kidding. He let Steve the Elf go on Christmas Day because he didn't attend the party. The reason Steve wasn't there? His wife was giving birth to their fourth child.

"Tonight is the night we celebrate before the big day! Eat up! Drink! And be Merry! For tomorrow we're in for the long haul.", continues Santa.

"Hey. Prancer. Dessert time is almost here. You got the cookies ready?", I whisper. "Man, what do you think? How come you never trust -". "Why hey there boys!", Santa interrupts. "Everything ok?" "Yes sir!" Prancer says nervously. "Everything is great! I think this party is even better than last year's." "Good, good" Santa responds. "I'm glad. Enjoy yourselves. I want you all relaxed and ready to go. Don't want any incidents like last year." 

The incident Santa is referring to happened at 2AM over Estonia. Rudolph had a cold and Prancer, the germaphobe, was afraid he'd get sick. Rudolph sneezed which created an epic blinding light. Prancer panicked and tried to sway away from the stream of snot and bacteria. The sleigh tipped and one of the Elves fell to his death. UFO enthusiasts thought the light was an alien ship. All around it put a real damper on the holiday.

Dinner Is Over, Time for Dessert

"Alright. Now is the time. I'm going to bring Santa the cookies", Prancer says. "Good luck", I reply with a serious demeanor colored by a hint encouragement.

"Here you go Santa! Your special cookies and milk dessert prepared by us reindeer.", Prancer eagerly exclaims. "Aww, why thank you Prancer. I cannot wait to dig in."

Prancer heads back to take his seat with me. 

"Looks like that went well. Maybe too well," I whispered. Prancer nervously and silently nodded acknowledging my sentiment.

"Wait a minute! I just realized!", I hear Santa shout. "Where in the bloody hell are Donner and his son? I've not seen them at all. They better get here soon! Tardiness will not be tolerated! I'm docking their pay!"

Good. The plan is working. Santa is getting angry. His face is getting red. Now we just need the drugs to kick in.

"Awe, whoa, I feel kinda weird.", Santa stutters in a low voice. But not too low that I couldn't hear it. I am a reindeer after all. "I think... I think someone spiked my cookies and milk!"

Santa stands up quickly, angry from the obvious betrayal coupled with Donner and Rudolph’s absence. He is really fired up!

"Attention! You ungrateful, little [expletive]", Santa yells. Quickly I snap on my phone's camera and start up a YouTube live stream. "Who do you all think you are? Drugging me? Whatever you're trying to do will fail! And I'll feed you all to the abominable snow man!"

"Go! Now!", I shout to Wang Zen who has been hiding under the table this whole time. Wang Zen bows to the camera: "Greetings world. It brings me great pain to tell you truth about Santa. He's... not a good man. He beat me and my sister nearly to death 3 years ago. We working 17 hour shift and could not stay awake, so he hurt us. My sister she -"

The live stream cut out. Something happened. And now Santa Claus is really, really, angry.